Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Live - Laugh - Love (12) Prime Beef (Loveline Publishing)

PRIME BEEF, BUBBLES AND ‘WELCOME TO THE POCOCKS’ – CHARLOTTE,  2006 – present day.

Charlotte is one of Tris’ two sisters. 

I must admit that I was puzzled as to why my sister-in-law to be should give me ‘Over 30 full colour post cards of PRIME BEEF’. Was there something she knew about her brother that I’d yet to uncover? Was this a coded warning or an incredible insight into what women really want?

Well according to ‘Loveline Publishing Ltd. 1993’ what women (and some men) really find attractive is:

-       80’s Club Tropicana budgie smuggler swimming briefs
-       Men rubbing themselves in the desert with lotion (with or without boulders)
-       Unbuttoned, ripped stone washed jeans – sitting on hay bales while rubbing a horse
-       Cut off shorts with bum cheeks hanging out with the stars and stripes on the back pocket
-       Men in jersey shorts and headbands weight lifting / boxing and dripping with sweat
-       Men in their pants lounging in front of an open fire – moody atmospheric lighting – with their socks on!

However, my three favourites were:

  1.  The naked man astride a horse where you can just see (well actually it’s pretty obvious) the curve of his testicles nestling against the saddle. Ow! Saddle sore!
  2. The full length shot, from behind of a naked man standing looking out of a window. From behind those clenched buttocks are pretty fine. Imagine the view for the post man on his way up the front path. He must have had package envy!
  3. Man (boy!) standing on a beach just having emerged from the waves. Through his white see through trousers he seems to have forgotten his underwear because you can clearly see his little friend winking. While clearly not shy when it came to showing us his man/boyhood, when it comes to showing his face it’s a different story because he’s also wearing swimming goggles!
I’ve just tried to find a web-link to ‘Prime Beef’ so that you can see these fine images for yourselves, but it would seem that Loveline Publishing Ltd. 1993 are no longer in business, making my copy very rare. This must be why the only reference I can find to it is on The Printers Row Fine and Rare Books web site, E-bay for £2.50 where you get the option to ‘Enlarge’ and Amazon where there are three ‘Used’ copies available at £4 each. If anyone would like to ‘use’ my copy, they can for free – I’ll set up a booking spreadsheet!

Now I’ve seen pictures of Tris in the early 90’s. The one that springs to mind is of him and his friend Nigel on holiday in Turkey, in a pair of speedo’s having rubbed mud into each other! Nigel was supposed to be there with his girlfriend Ruth (now wife) but after a row, probably about his speedo’s, they had temporarily split up so he took Tris instead. He didn’t look particularly upset in the holiday photos, clearly rubbing Tris with mud had taken the edge off.

Regardless of this fine attempt, it’s not really Take That recording the video for ‘Pray’!

So what else could it mean? Well I’m not aware that he’s ever ridden a horse naked, but he has been known to open our bedroom curtains and ‘wave’ at the people on the No 19 bus on their way to Altrincham. I don’t think anyone has ever noticed, but it makes me smile and I can’t really talk, I’ve been flashing my boobs at them for years.

And then there is the man in goggles, well it’s not unusual to see him emerging from the sea / lakes / rivers in goggles and a wet suit when he’s triathlon training. I think I’ll have to work on him though for the white trousers and no pants look!

It would seem that this publication of erotica is something of a family air loom. Apparently Tris’ youngest sister Mel gave it to Charlotte and now Charlotte has passed it on to me. I feel very honoured to have been accepted in this way into the Pocock family and will make sure that I am a worthy custodian. It certainly doesn’t look used – but then Charlotte is a vegetarian.

This brings me nicely to my new Pocock family in general. I am one lucky girl to have married into such a great family. Each and every one of them has enthusiastically welcomed me, which was especially apparent when I was ill. Tris’ mum Marguerite in particular was amazing. She must have been very aware that I didn’t have my mum around anymore to look after me so she took on the role of two mums. She phoned, wrote me letters, texted, sent gifts and even came to see me in Manchester the day after her first grandchild was born in Brighton (she was there for that too) because I was struggling, armed with a home-made quiche, jars of jam and bags of fruit and veg from their allotment. This was made all the more impressive by the fact that she was on the cusp of an ankle replacement operation and was hobbling with a stick.

The warmth and care shown by Tris’ mum has been replicated by his whole family who similarly wrote, texted, phoned and sent presents to help me to get through the dark days of my illness. Just as Tris’ Dad wouldn’t let me give up during the Manchester to Blackpool bike ride that we completed in 2008 (65 miles), they weren’t going to give up on me this time and between them  willed me better. It’s not hard to see why Tris has turned out so well and I feel very lucky.

The other elements of my gift from Charlotte were a bottle of bubbles (‘get ready to party’) from her favourite shop – Wilko, because she sees me as a bubbly personality and an ‘APocock’ key ring which she’d made from Fimo modelling clay.

So now that the letters arrive to Dr & Mrs T Pocock and I wonder what the hell has happened to Dr Alison Staples – where did she go? Although I am still firmly rooted and will never forget my Staples history (I’ve traced it to the 1650’s), I also feel really proud to be part of my new family. And when I think about what to put on my new APocock key ring, it’s quite simple - it’s the key to my future.

OH, OH, OH, GO TOTALLY CRAZY-FORGET I’M A LADY, MEN’S SHIRTS – SHORT SKIRTS. OH, OH, OH, REALLY GO WILD – YEAH, DOIN’ IT IN STYLE. OH, OH, OH GET IN THE ACTION – FEEL THE ATTRACTION. COLOUR MY HAIR – DO WHAT I DARE. OH, OH, OH, I WANNA BE FREE-YEAH, TO FEEL THE WAY FEEL. MAN I FEEL LIKE A WOMAN!

So it’s time for the last in these series of stories – it’s A BEAUTIFUL BAG, A WRITING PAD AND A SIGN THAT SAYS ‘LIVE-LAUGH-LOVE’. Don’t miss this one!

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