Monday, 5 December 2011

Letters to Father Christmas

5th December 2011

Thinking of writing a letter to Father Christmas? Lets kick off the week with a little inspiration......

Dear Santa – love Barbie
Dear Santa,

As you know, every year I help you out by being the perfect Christmas present – wearing a skimpy swimming costume in sub zero temperatures. This Christmas Santa it’s payback time. 

I would be grateful if you could heed my requests, otherwise I may need to get down and dirty. 

1.    A nice comfy pair of jogging bottoms and a sweatshirt. I’m, sick of looking like a hooker.

2.    Real underwear that you can take on and off. Preferably white and thermal. What idiot at Mattel decided to make my underwear integral to my body? I look like I have cellulite.

3.    A real man – hell Tinky Winky has more testosterone than Ken. And what’s with the ear ring? If I have to suffer him at least make him anatomically correct.

4.    Breast reduction surgery. Have you seen the size of them?

5.    A sports bra – until the aforementioned surgery.

6.    A new career. Pet doctor is a bit fluffy. How about something in PR?

7.    A new, more up to date persona. How about S&M Barbie or British Military Fitness Barbie?

8.   Mattel stock options. It’s been 52 years, I think I deserve it.

OK Santa, there you have it. If I don’t find the above under my tree this Christmas, you can find yourself a new bitch for next year.

Lots of love,

Barbie xx

Dear Santa Love Ken

Dear Santa,

I understand that one of my colleagues has asked for changes in her contract, in particular anatomical changes and a new job.

I also believe she has made disparaging remarks about me, my ability to please and fashion choices. 

I would like to take this opportunity to bring to your attention issues concerning Ms. Barbie, and some of my own requests.

Firstly, my colleagues and myself feel Barbie does not deserve preferential treatment. She already has everything. She is the only one to have a dream house, Corvette, evening gowns, and in some cases, the ability to change her hairstyle. 

I personally have three outfits which I am forced to mix and match. My decision to accessorise with an earring was my decision and reflects my lifestyle choice.

I, too, would like a change in my career. How about ‘Dream Boy' Ken or ‘Plumber' Ken?

I would also like a new persona. How about ‘Ray Mears' Ken, or ‘Prince William' Ken? 

These would more accurately reflect my desires and perhaps open new markets. 

Bendable knees would also be helpful. We've talked about this issue before.

In closing, I would like to point out that any further concessions to the blond bimbo will result in action taken by myself and others.

PS. Barbie can forget about having Tinky Winky. He's mine, at least that is what he said last night.



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