It's that time again people.
Prepare to show your loved one just how much you care.Valentines Day is fast approaching.
I know that I'm now what many would call a 'Smug Married', but believe me, it wasn't always like that. Up until 2006 (with a brief interlude in the late 80's) - SLIM PICKINGS!
I was going to say there's nothing worse - but obviously that's not true - in the grand scheme of things there are many things worse, but it didn't feel like it at the time, so stay with me.
There's nothing worse than the anticipation followed by the disappointment of no cards, no flowers, no e-cards from that mystery admirer - AGAIN!
I know it's just a money making marketing gimmick, but even so. Over twenty years of watching flowers turn up for other people and having to spend yet another Valentines evening in with my two best friends - Ben & Jerry. It leaves scars!
Throughout my dating career I had two mystery cards. In 1988 I received a home made one with a small cotton dolly on the front, with the sensitive yet direct message "Cupid, Cupid f*ck me stupid"!
Followed in 1993 by a mystery card with a cartoon of an old woman being attacked by a mosquito on the front. The message this time was "Love is round the corner, and up the hill". Which considering I lived in Sheffield at the time at the bottom of a valley, wasn't very helpful. 95% of the city fitted that description.
And then there was the year where I got someone else's flowers because they didn't want them.
When I was at school, I used to ghost write limericks for people to put in their Valentines cards. I grew up a Yorkshire mining town, so always did my best to include local landmarks:
Oh you are so handsome
If a car, you'd be a Jag,
Lets go get down and dirty
And find some local slag!
From the first time that I saw you
I knew you were for me,
Let me smother you in lotion
Then drink some Yorkshire tea!
Seemingly trivial skills, but many years later they helped me to bag my man! While I was rummaging through my box of papers the other day, I discovered some old e-mails dated Valentines 2007. Six months into our relationship it seems we were wooing each other through the medium of Kylie Minogue tennis.
Especially for You
Especially for you
I'm going to smack you on the bottom with a shoe
If you don't run sharp and make me a nice brew
You were in my heart
You make me feel week
My liver and kidneys too
No more worry about tomorrow
A Thermos flask I'm gonna borrow
And make a lovely cuppa in the morning
But now we're back together - forever
I wanna show you
I make a lovely brew
Ans all the jugs I have are especially for you!!!!
I should be so lucky
In my habitation
There's a lack of insulation
I need to have you by my side
'Cos when you're next to me
And snuggling up to me
That's when I feel horneee!
I should be so cozy, cozy, cozy, cozy - I should be so cozy with you .....
I just can't get you out of my head
I just can't seem to boil and egg
Niçoise salad is all I think about
Teach me how to do it I beg
It's no yolk being eggishly in doubt
Just to be there in your barms
Won't you staaaaaaaayyyyyyaaaaaa
Scramble me toddddaaaaayyyyyy
Oh for ever and ever and ever and ever .........
I think that's when I knew that I'd finally met my match and met the man for me.
PS. Six years on, I think this year it'll probably be an M&S dine in for £10 and a game of rude word scrabble on the Turkish carpet, followed by some frenzied stripping! Well, we've got to get the rest of the wood chip off the dining room ceiling before the plasterer comes.
Who ever said that romance was dead?